"Torn"

"Bila balik? Kenapa tak balik lagi?"

Yeah. I got that A LOT recently. My answer is always "tak pasti lagi". Because the truth is I don't know. However, I really do want to go back actually. Then I can see you. But flight ticket to Sabah is quite expensive for last minute booking. Sigh. Well I can go to my sister's place in Shah Alam. But it's the same thing, costs a lot of money. and she's staying with her boyfriend by the way. I don't really get along with him. 

If I just stay in campus, I wouldn't have to spend much money. I will use it mainly for eating out, and buy some food supplies to eat in the room only. Moreover, I will have time to do my bucket of assignments that is due by the end of this two weeks holidays. and what about my SIEP, I planned to do it during this holidays though.

Hmm. so yeah I'm torn between staying in Jeli, or go to my sister's. What do I want?

Oh, my friend/roommate invited me to Penang and stay with him, just incase I don't have where else to go. That's another thing to consider.

I Disappointed You.

"You disappointed me."

Who would have thought that matter would be of an immense devastating news to you. I am terribly sorry. It wasn't intentional. It thought it was okay, but apparently it wasn't (I knew it).

I let my guard down. 

Everyday is a challenge. I have to be careful with things I deal with; things I say; things I do; and things I promise now. I need something that can alarm myself with this matter. What would that be?

God, please help me. Guide me. Accord me to the right decisions of all. Please.

Recently, I am Miserable At Best.

"It was  a very very very hectic week for me."

Rushing through assignments, laboratory reports, journals, and research proposal for thesis to the deadlines were all that had been going on and on in my mind. Talk about finally being THE final year students, it was crazy. 

I felt the stress. I felt the tension. I felt the pressure. 

To that person,

Do you think maybe it was because of all that I became sensitive to you?

Does that sounds like an excuse? 

I know you were once a student who had gone through this phase in university too, however I don't think it's fair to just say that I should be able to have a sense of control over this. I believe each people have their own level in dealing with these things. Including me. Do you ever think that maybe I am not really as good as you are or what you think I am? 

Now would that sounds as an excuse if I ask you again? 

It's not an excuse. It's just me. I tried to change. But I can't. I failed.

If only you are here, things might have been different. However that is just a big what if, like try harder.

A Day With Penang (Short-Entry)

Location: Penang Island

Date: 26th October 2012

Time: 6.30am - 11.30pm

Special Entry.

Jetty Pulau Banting 

Fort Cornwallis

 Fort Cornwallis

 Little India Street

Chowrasta Market - 

waiting in line for penang road famous cendol (yummy!)

Queensbay Mall -

Met my crazy roommate and we had Subway and Starbucks together.

All in all, it was an exciting day. Glad I went there. It was my first time being there F.Y.I. Georgetown is nice. Love it. Thanks to my friend, Puspa, for taking me with you. and also the rest for just being presence. 

I had a great time. wouldn't mind to go there again.

See you next time Penang!

Have I been Hiding All This While?

"When I think everything is okay, I can't rejoice yet, 'cause I believe it wasn't really really okay."

Situation makes people change. It's true. I witnessed it. Frankly speaking, I am going through it right now. But the question is, is it the change that do good things to me or the opposite? I can't tell 100% what is what. I can go around saying everything is okay (because I did) when it's not. I think I have the tendency to shush my problem just enough time before it's time to deal with it - without proper preach I end up solving nothing.

To that other people, who can't keep away such problem just like that, I felt really sorry to you. I didn't show much concern when I should have. I think that is why our problem got dragged.

Problem needs attention. Mad man I'd be.

Situation Make People Change.

I am good at being calm when I am stable. But I am also good in being super aggravating when I'm emotionally unstable. Although I don't know how, but I am pretty good in getting under one's skin and literally make them mad as well.

Recent event had proved that. With that, things changed.

Things were simple back then, when we were not thousand miles apart. I can see no upside-down smiley. I can see no leaking tears. I can see no reason both of us would get hurt. It was simple. I missed it.

Things aren't simple now, when we are thousand miles apart. It's hard not to see upside-down smiley. It's hard not to see leaking tears. It's hard not to see both of us getting hurt. It is not simple. I hate it.

God, how I miss the old days.

Soul mate.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love